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There they go again, fighting and screaming over the same stuffed animal and the last slice of pizza. How many times have you had to play referee between them? It’s exhausting. You’re frustrated, overwhelmed, and just plain tired of your kids’ constant squabbles. But will it last forever? And could sibling rivalry have long-term consequences on your children’s relationship with each other?
“Sibling relationships are foundational. They teach children how to negotiate, compromise, and resolve conflicts. The way parents manage sibling conflict sets the tone for how children handle disagreements in the future.” by Dr. Laura Markham
What is sibling rivalry?
Sibling rivalry is the inevitable competition and animosity that occur between siblings. This kind of relationship happens most often in siblings close in age, but it can also occur with larger age gaps or between siblings who aren’t blood-related. It’s not just about a one-time dispute over who gets better grades or that last piece of Halloween candy; sibling rivalry flares up often and consistently, sometimes without any known common denominator.
“Children need to feel that their emotional needs are being met and that they are valued as individuals. When parents acknowledge each child’s feelings and unique traits, it reduces the likelihood of sibling rivalry.” By Dr. Adele Faber
The psychology behind sibling rivalry
The first step in managing family feuds is understanding their potential causes. Your kids probably aren’t fighting just because one toy is better or one piece of cake is larger. Instead, the majority of fights arise due to underlying causes related to birth order and family dynamics.
For firstborn children, their largest source of comfort, safety, and admiration comes from their parents. But when another sibling comes along, they suddenly feel like they need to compete for your attention. Even the slightest differences in how you interact with each child can feel like potential threats to their comfort and well-being.
“The feeling of competition is at the root of sibling rivalry,” explains Dr. Albers. “Not all competition is negative; it can make you work harder. But in sibling dynamics, it can become toxic and damaging when it is taken too far or fostered by parents.”
Differences in developmental stages and competing desires for your attention can lead to jealousy or misunderstanding. When your kids are young, most of the causes for sibling rivalry, like age difference or temperament, are impossible to change, making sibling rivalry an inevitable reality.
However, with an intentional effort to foster cooperation, reduce favoritism, and address problems as they arise, you can help reduce the long-term effects of rivalry and the frequency of conflicts.
“All hope is not lost,” says Dr. Albers. “There is no way to stop the bickering forever, but there are many ways to minimize conflict and maximize productive resolution.”
Adult sibling rivalry
Rivalry can affect your kids as they get older if they develop poor self-esteem and have difficulty maintaining friendships. For older adults, behavioral therapy and identifying strategies for helpful coping mechanisms can help address aggression and conflict stemming from strained relationships.
Sometimes, adults can develop sibling rivalry later in life, even if they didn’t have that kind of relationship in childhood. This often results from an inability to manage conflict proactively or underlying mental health conditions like anxiety, depression, or stress.
“Long-term sibling rivalry can wear on you emotionally and turn holidays and family get-togethers into unhappy and dreaded occasions,” notes Dr. Albers. “A therapist can help you identify how to cope with this ongoing relationship and assist in identifying boundaries, communication styles, trigger buttons, and how to let things go.”
10 tips for dealing with sibling rivalry
When you’re overwhelmed with bickering children, it can be difficult to isolate the real reasons behind arguments and head off any lingering animosity. But you can redirect conflicts toward more positive solutions by making small, everyday changes. Here are some strategies that can help prevent sibling rivalry and ways to stop it in its tracks:
1. Stay Calm and Model Positive Behavior 😌
- Intervene Early: Watch for signs of rising tension and step in before things escalate.
- Demonstrate Calmness: Your composure teaches kids to handle conflicts calmly.
- Positive Conflict Resolution: Show how to resolve disagreements without yelling or physical confrontations.
2. Create a Cooperative Environment 🤝
- Avoid Comparisons: Never compare one child to another; each is unique.
- Encourage Teamwork: Give tasks that require cooperation, like building a puzzle together.
- Family Activities: Plan activities that everyone can enjoy and participate in, strengthening family bonds.
3. Celebrate Individuality 🎉
- One-on-One Time: Spend individual time with each child doing what they love.
- Personal Achievements: Celebrate each child's achievements and milestones.
- Avoid Labels: Don’t pigeonhole your children with labels like “the smart one” or “the athletic one.”
4. Plan Fun Family Time 🎲
- Regular Family Dinners: Make mealtime a family affair to foster communication.
- Game Nights: Choose games that promote teamwork and cooperation.
- Outdoor Activities: Plan outings like hiking or picnics where everyone can contribute to the fun.
5. Treat Kids Fairly, Not Equally ⚖️
- Tailor Rewards and Consequences: Customize rewards and consequences to each child's age and needs.
- Understand Fairness: Explain to children that fairness means meeting individual needs, not always getting the same thing.
6. Address Both Sides of the Conflict 🤔
- Focus on Feelings: Ask each child how they felt during the conflict.
- Avoid Blame: Focus on what each child can do differently next time rather than assigning blame.
- Encourage Empathy: Help children understand each other's perspectives and feelings.
7. Listen and Validate Feelings 👂
- Active Listening: Pay attention to what each child is saying without interrupting.
- Acknowledge Emotions: Validate their feelings, even if you don’t agree with their actions.
- Problem-Solving Together: Involve children in finding solutions to their disputes.
8. Provide Problem-Solving Tools 🛠️
- Teach Negotiation: Show children how to negotiate and compromise effectively.
- Conflict Resolution Skills: Teach them steps to resolve conflicts, like taking turns speaking and finding win-win solutions.
- Praise Positive Behavior: Acknowledge and praise when children resolve conflicts on their own.
9. Make Discipline Private 🚪
- Avoid Public Shaming: Discipline children privately to avoid creating further animosity.
- Explain Consequences: Clearly explain why a behavior is being corrected and how it affects the family.
10. Have Regular Family Meetings 🗣️
- Open Communication: Use family meetings as a platform for open communication and to discuss house rules.
- Set Clear Rules: Establish and agree on family rules and display them prominently.
- Resolve Issues Together: Use meetings to address ongoing issues and brainstorm solutions as a family.
“Having very clear family rules is key,” says Dr. Albers. “This allows you to point to the rule rather than choose which child is ‘right.’”
Does sibling rivalry ever end?
While each new conflict can feel like a battle, sibling rivalries don’t always last forever. By taking the time to address conflicts head-on and fostering a supportive environment, your kids can learn to lean on each other over time.
“Nothing makes a parent happier than harmony in their family, particularly between their children,” says Dr. Albers. “The good news is many families can work through the rivalry and turn conflict into deep connection.”
By incorporating these strategies, parents can help their children develop healthier relationships with each other, reducing sibling rivalry and fostering a more harmonious home environment.
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